The Deepest Desires.

Making decisions? What are my desires? These were questions that were on my mind the past two days. I am currently reading a book – Landmarks, an Ignatian Journey by Margaret Silf about Ignatian Discernment in a very illustrative way. Good book for those seeking more in life and those desiring to seek God’s Will in their lives.

Chapter 8 talks about God’s will and our desires. Apparently, whilst all of us have desires, there are two different response to our desires – taking or giving. The difference is what Ignatius meant by ‘ordered’ and ‘disordered’ desires. Ordered desires expand us without diminishing the other. These desires draw us into a creative relationship with what lies beyond ourselves without tempting us to try to possess it and leads to transformation. For instance “I long for the source of all light and joy, I need inner nourishment, I want to give them space to share themselves, I want to learn to trust and be trusted…” Disordered desires behave in the opposite way. They tempt us to suck things into ourselves, and the result in the diminishment of the desired object. (ie , desiring of a person/relationship). There is something I desire, so I apply my energies to possessing the desired object. Eg. a beloved person, an object. We take steps to ‘draw’ the desired objects to ourselves. For instance… “I try to exercise power over others, I use other people to gratify my desires, I put others down to make myself feel stronger…”.

One thing worth noticing is that whatever desires we have, it is always our choice to respond to the desires. Sometimes the desires rule us and the strongest desires ‘win’. The fact is that we choose and we have the freedom and the responsibility of the choices we make. (eg : I want to belong to the Church, but I feel obliged to object to some of the ways it does things ; or I want to speak up about the injustice at work, but I fear having negative impressions of me..)

So what’s the relevance with God’s will? Well..
-among all our multitude of desires & responses there are patterns evolving. It is possible then, to identify which are the desires that run deep, which are those that forms our choices and transforming me. -In the struggle of my desires, I am choosing, minute by minute, that particular desire that is strongest in me. Every time I choose in favour of my deeper desire, I reinforce it. It becomes dominant, until it meets an even stronger desire in me.
-Fundamentally, it follows that my deepest desire is centred on becoming the person God created me to me (whatever this means to you). However, there will be movements and choices in me that are going in the opposite direction. What I choose in times of desolation , will not be in line with my deepest desires , and there will be ‘unrest’.
- When my ‘real’ state is one of consolation and God-directedness, my deepest desire (to become the person God created me to be) is in complete harmony with ‘God’s will’ for me. God’s will then does not become something remote and unknowable (that I’ll be punished for not carrying out), but something as close to me as the deepest desire of my own heart, and something that he is only waiting and longing to reveal to me in every moment of my life and in every breath of my prayer.

In the centre of myself, where I am utterly vulnerable,
Therein lies my deepest desire, and my deepest desire is unarmed.

It sounds quite ‘cheem’, cos we’re using our heads. It is really just words describing some of the movements of our hearts and our responses which we don’t always pay attention to. But it worth observing and taking to pray. Our responses and reactions, our emotions ,our actions ,our behaviours, all these reveal to us our desires. To get in tune with what lies deep within us , is something very difficult, almost impossible ,but we can just try to sieve it out, we can only pray and keep trying. But it is in discovering ourselves, I realise, that we discover God and what he desires of us.

For me , going through the reflections and execises in the book really helped me. Also the daily examen is a good start to being more aware of ourselves. I realized that within me , there is a desire to be simple and contented. Which I thought it was a ‘normal’ desire anyone would have. But this desire grew in me and drew me to ‘dispossession’ and a letting go of material possessions. This desire also led me work against the desire to appear ‘powerful or rich’ .. if you get what I mean. The growth of this desire made me discover that it is actually God’s desire for me. So for this I am grateful. And I am still discovering .. .cos this desire could possibly lead me to other deeper desires within me and what God has for me.

Where you are (however unknown)
Is the place of blessing

How you are (however broken)
Is the place of grace

WHO you are, In your becoming
In your place in the Kingdom.