Coincidence or Providence?

I can't believe it's been almost three months since my last entry. Terence and Gee were right , blogging takes effort. As I reflect the past two months, I can't help but wonder how time flies. I realised that when I am busy with work or going out or hanging out with friends , and when I do not make time for God, I miss God's graces.

Anyway, I accomplished a few things the past two and a half months, made a few major decisions, took leaps of faith and overcame some fears. Briefly, I helped organised the ordination of two Jesuit Priests in end July, went to Redang for the Open Water advance course in August. Did my first night dive and overcame abit of my fear of the dark , I think. (It was really scary at first diving at night!). Completed 11 dives in all. Then in Sept, I went for an 8-day silent retreat in Chiangmai all alone and made some life changing decisions. AND sharing with others.




After a dive in Redang



Main Chapel at Seven Fountains











So many major leaps in faith...

Just to share abit of my retreat in Seven Fountains in ChiangMai, Thailand.
It is really a great place. Place is run by the Jesuits. During my retreat, one of the things that I leart was to appreciate scripture. The contemplations and meditations were truly moments of grace for me and through the retreat I'm recharged and reaffirmed by God's presence in my life. It was really quite tough initially cos being alone, you really come face to face with yourself, your insecurites, pride and fears. I had alot of inner chaos and fears coming up. But despite the chaos, there is imense consolation and profound joys , which I am grateful for. I've learnt to let God be God. To surrender my fears to him because God knows what He is doing.

A few weeks ago, Gee asked me if I look for Divine Providence in my life.(She had to share something about this in Bible Study I think). I told her it is really easy to identify providence really, just by looking around (at nature) , by looking at our own lives, by looking at the 'coincidences' in our lives. I believe that there is no such thing as Coincidence actually. Because,coincidence actually contradicts providence. Having said this,I had a very freaky experience just today. (which is why I'm bringing this up).

For the past couple of weeks, I've been trying to 'avoid' someone I met recently. I avoided the emails from this person , who is not a local. So , I thought it would be easy to just be 'out of sight and mind'. But just today ,my Sister met this person, who had came to singapore for a programme which my sister is also in . It was so strange! What is God trying to tell me?

"Put your self-love in the last place, so that it does not taint your deeds. Bear with yourself with great patience. Always fight with deep conviction that I am with you.." Jesus to Faustina. (Diary of St Maria Faustina Kowalska)

The Deepest Desires.

Making decisions? What are my desires? These were questions that were on my mind the past two days. I am currently reading a book – Landmarks, an Ignatian Journey by Margaret Silf about Ignatian Discernment in a very illustrative way. Good book for those seeking more in life and those desiring to seek God’s Will in their lives.

Chapter 8 talks about God’s will and our desires. Apparently, whilst all of us have desires, there are two different response to our desires – taking or giving. The difference is what Ignatius meant by ‘ordered’ and ‘disordered’ desires. Ordered desires expand us without diminishing the other. These desires draw us into a creative relationship with what lies beyond ourselves without tempting us to try to possess it and leads to transformation. For instance “I long for the source of all light and joy, I need inner nourishment, I want to give them space to share themselves, I want to learn to trust and be trusted…” Disordered desires behave in the opposite way. They tempt us to suck things into ourselves, and the result in the diminishment of the desired object. (ie , desiring of a person/relationship). There is something I desire, so I apply my energies to possessing the desired object. Eg. a beloved person, an object. We take steps to ‘draw’ the desired objects to ourselves. For instance… “I try to exercise power over others, I use other people to gratify my desires, I put others down to make myself feel stronger…”.

One thing worth noticing is that whatever desires we have, it is always our choice to respond to the desires. Sometimes the desires rule us and the strongest desires ‘win’. The fact is that we choose and we have the freedom and the responsibility of the choices we make. (eg : I want to belong to the Church, but I feel obliged to object to some of the ways it does things ; or I want to speak up about the injustice at work, but I fear having negative impressions of me..)

So what’s the relevance with God’s will? Well..
-among all our multitude of desires & responses there are patterns evolving. It is possible then, to identify which are the desires that run deep, which are those that forms our choices and transforming me. -In the struggle of my desires, I am choosing, minute by minute, that particular desire that is strongest in me. Every time I choose in favour of my deeper desire, I reinforce it. It becomes dominant, until it meets an even stronger desire in me.
-Fundamentally, it follows that my deepest desire is centred on becoming the person God created me to me (whatever this means to you). However, there will be movements and choices in me that are going in the opposite direction. What I choose in times of desolation , will not be in line with my deepest desires , and there will be ‘unrest’.
- When my ‘real’ state is one of consolation and God-directedness, my deepest desire (to become the person God created me to be) is in complete harmony with ‘God’s will’ for me. God’s will then does not become something remote and unknowable (that I’ll be punished for not carrying out), but something as close to me as the deepest desire of my own heart, and something that he is only waiting and longing to reveal to me in every moment of my life and in every breath of my prayer.

In the centre of myself, where I am utterly vulnerable,
Therein lies my deepest desire, and my deepest desire is unarmed.

It sounds quite ‘cheem’, cos we’re using our heads. It is really just words describing some of the movements of our hearts and our responses which we don’t always pay attention to. But it worth observing and taking to pray. Our responses and reactions, our emotions ,our actions ,our behaviours, all these reveal to us our desires. To get in tune with what lies deep within us , is something very difficult, almost impossible ,but we can just try to sieve it out, we can only pray and keep trying. But it is in discovering ourselves, I realise, that we discover God and what he desires of us.

For me , going through the reflections and execises in the book really helped me. Also the daily examen is a good start to being more aware of ourselves. I realized that within me , there is a desire to be simple and contented. Which I thought it was a ‘normal’ desire anyone would have. But this desire grew in me and drew me to ‘dispossession’ and a letting go of material possessions. This desire also led me work against the desire to appear ‘powerful or rich’ .. if you get what I mean. The growth of this desire made me discover that it is actually God’s desire for me. So for this I am grateful. And I am still discovering .. .cos this desire could possibly lead me to other deeper desires within me and what God has for me.

Where you are (however unknown)
Is the place of blessing

How you are (however broken)
Is the place of grace

WHO you are, In your becoming
In your place in the Kingdom.