Tuesday, December 27, 2005

God, Where are you?

It's Christmas again! It's the time of the year when we are all busy with the celebrations, the eating and the drinking. Admist the celebrations, I've been questioning the state of my spiritual life. I wonder if I am truly aware of God's presence amongst the merry making or is He just a 'by-the-way' thingy. Well, perhaps I'm just in need of some silent time, away from the 'noise'

I have been reading Gerard W Hughes, SJ - "God, Where are you". Here's a part from the preface which I thought I'd quote :

"....You taught me a very clear and simple message when I walked to Rome and to Jerusalem : that my destination was the basis of all the subsequent decisions I took, route, maps, equipment, money, direction each day, time for rest, time for walking. It was not that I was continuously thinking of destination Rome, or destination Jerusalem but subconsciously my destination was the ultimate determinant to every decision. To have ignored my destination would have been to walk blindly.."

As I prepare to leave for the Philippines, I can't help but be grateful for all that God had provided for me, especially the people He has sent into my life. I thank God especially for the companions that he has so graciously provided on this journey , companions who are also bold enough to make radical responses to God and who inspire and urge me along. Companions who, though are apart from me, will be looking and walking and looking towards the same destination, seeking peace, joy and fulfilment..

Here's a poem I'd like to share., given to me by a Jesuit whom I consider a teacher in many ways. ~ For all my beloved brothers and sisters on a journey of discovery and seeking God's will, and for all who are struggling to see God in the darkness.

I said to the man who stood at the gate of the year
'Give me a light that I may tread safely into the unknown.'

And he replied, 'Go into the darkness and put your hand into the hand of God
That shall be to you better than light and safer than a known way!'

So I went forth and finding the Hand of God
Trod gladly into the night
He led me towards the hills
And the breaking of day in the lone east.

So heart be still!
What need our human life to know
If God hath comprehension?

In all the dizzy strife of things
Both high and low,
God hideth his intention.

– Minnie Louise Haskins (1875-1957)

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Saying 'NO!"

As I wanted some inspiration to write a blog, something prompted me to read Gerry's Blog. It was on 'giving'. Ironically, the past week has been a week of immense activities for me. I've had endless meetings each night, long list of tasks , sessions to prepare for and have been feeling quite 'tired'. Over the weekend, I questioned my attitude of giving, and afterall the 'complaining', I discovered that I am really exhuasted!

I realised that I've a lack of ability' to say 'no'. It's like I take on all sorts of tasks, problems and responsibilities belonging to others as though they belonged to me. I allow myself to be available for so many different people and groups of friends as though they really need me. I realised the false vision I have is that if I say 'no', I'd hurt a person, or if I don't 'do', I'd miss out. Further, in the context of my job in the Church, another 'false vision' is that I'd be 'missing' God's graces and 'missing' opportunities to 'reach out' if I'd say no...

All these has taken a toil over me, my physical, spiritual and emotional self, over the week. I know all these 'distorted visions' in my head, but I can't, in practical ways, translate them into action. There's a great fear of abandonment and losing out , that comes from within. Perhaps , it's time to learn how to be 'set free' from these fears... perhaps... this is the reason for my fears about the thought of living in community..

Oh well, to quote what Gerry said in her blog, God can see...

Anyway, here's the concept of Boundaries from 'The Simple Scoop on Boundaries' by Dr. Henry Cloud; cloudtownsend.com

Why are boundaries neccessary?
"Because God is behind the concept of boundaries. According to the Bible, this need is fundamental in the creation of mankind. God created us to be free, and to act responsibly with our freedom. He wanted us to be in control of ourselves, and to have a good existence. He was behind that idea all along.

But as we all know, we misused our freedom, and as a result, lost it. With the loss of freedom came the loss of self-control. The results of losing self-control are displayed in a wide variety of miseries. Consider a few of the alternatives to self-control:
-Controlling relationships where people try to control each other.
-Faith that is practiced out of guilt and drudgery instead of freedom and love.
-Being motivated by guilt, anger and fear instead of love.
-The inability to gain control of our own behavior and solve problems in our lives.
-The loss of control to addictive processes.

“It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.” (Galatians 5:1)

Monday, October 10, 2005

Coincidence or Providence?

I can't believe it's been almost three months since my last entry. Terence and Gee were right , blogging takes effort. As I reflect the past two months, I can't help but wonder how time flies. I realised that when I am busy with work or going out or hanging out with friends , and when I do not make time for God, I miss God's graces.

Anyway, I accomplished a few things the past two and a half months, made a few major decisions, took leaps of faith and overcame some fears. Briefly, I helped organised the ordination of two Jesuit Priests in end July, went to Redang for the Open Water advance course in August. Did my first night dive and overcame abit of my fear of the dark , I think. (It was really scary at first diving at night!). Completed 11 dives in all. Then in Sept, I went for an 8-day silent retreat in Chiangmai all alone and made some life changing decisions. AND sharing with others.




After a dive in Redang



Main Chapel at Seven Fountains











So many major leaps in faith...

Just to share abit of my retreat in Seven Fountains in ChiangMai, Thailand.
It is really a great place. Place is run by the Jesuits. During my retreat, one of the things that I leart was to appreciate scripture. The contemplations and meditations were truly moments of grace for me and through the retreat I'm recharged and reaffirmed by God's presence in my life. It was really quite tough initially cos being alone, you really come face to face with yourself, your insecurites, pride and fears. I had alot of inner chaos and fears coming up. But despite the chaos, there is imense consolation and profound joys , which I am grateful for. I've learnt to let God be God. To surrender my fears to him because God knows what He is doing.

A few weeks ago, Gee asked me if I look for Divine Providence in my life.(She had to share something about this in Bible Study I think). I told her it is really easy to identify providence really, just by looking around (at nature) , by looking at our own lives, by looking at the 'coincidences' in our lives. I believe that there is no such thing as Coincidence actually. Because,coincidence actually contradicts providence. Having said this,I had a very freaky experience just today. (which is why I'm bringing this up).

For the past couple of weeks, I've been trying to 'avoid' someone I met recently. I avoided the emails from this person , who is not a local. So , I thought it would be easy to just be 'out of sight and mind'. But just today ,my Sister met this person, who had came to singapore for a programme which my sister is also in . It was so strange! What is God trying to tell me?

"Put your self-love in the last place, so that it does not taint your deeds. Bear with yourself with great patience. Always fight with deep conviction that I am with you.." Jesus to Faustina. (Diary of St Maria Faustina Kowalska)

Friday, July 22, 2005

The Deepest Desires.

Making decisions? What are my desires? These were questions that were on my mind the past two days. I am currently reading a book – Landmarks, an Ignatian Journey by Margaret Silf about Ignatian Discernment in a very illustrative way. Good book for those seeking more in life and those desiring to seek God’s Will in their lives.

Chapter 8 talks about God’s will and our desires. Apparently, whilst all of us have desires, there are two different response to our desires – taking or giving. The difference is what Ignatius meant by ‘ordered’ and ‘disordered’ desires. Ordered desires expand us without diminishing the other. These desires draw us into a creative relationship with what lies beyond ourselves without tempting us to try to possess it and leads to transformation. For instance “I long for the source of all light and joy, I need inner nourishment, I want to give them space to share themselves, I want to learn to trust and be trusted…” Disordered desires behave in the opposite way. They tempt us to suck things into ourselves, and the result in the diminishment of the desired object. (ie , desiring of a person/relationship). There is something I desire, so I apply my energies to possessing the desired object. Eg. a beloved person, an object. We take steps to ‘draw’ the desired objects to ourselves. For instance… “I try to exercise power over others, I use other people to gratify my desires, I put others down to make myself feel stronger…”.

One thing worth noticing is that whatever desires we have, it is always our choice to respond to the desires. Sometimes the desires rule us and the strongest desires ‘win’. The fact is that we choose and we have the freedom and the responsibility of the choices we make. (eg : I want to belong to the Church, but I feel obliged to object to some of the ways it does things ; or I want to speak up about the injustice at work, but I fear having negative impressions of me..)

So what’s the relevance with God’s will? Well..
-among all our multitude of desires & responses there are patterns evolving. It is possible then, to identify which are the desires that run deep, which are those that forms our choices and transforming me. -In the struggle of my desires, I am choosing, minute by minute, that particular desire that is strongest in me. Every time I choose in favour of my deeper desire, I reinforce it. It becomes dominant, until it meets an even stronger desire in me.
-Fundamentally, it follows that my deepest desire is centred on becoming the person God created me to me (whatever this means to you). However, there will be movements and choices in me that are going in the opposite direction. What I choose in times of desolation , will not be in line with my deepest desires , and there will be ‘unrest’.
- When my ‘real’ state is one of consolation and God-directedness, my deepest desire (to become the person God created me to be) is in complete harmony with ‘God’s will’ for me. God’s will then does not become something remote and unknowable (that I’ll be punished for not carrying out), but something as close to me as the deepest desire of my own heart, and something that he is only waiting and longing to reveal to me in every moment of my life and in every breath of my prayer.

In the centre of myself, where I am utterly vulnerable,
Therein lies my deepest desire, and my deepest desire is unarmed.

It sounds quite ‘cheem’, cos we’re using our heads. It is really just words describing some of the movements of our hearts and our responses which we don’t always pay attention to. But it worth observing and taking to pray. Our responses and reactions, our emotions ,our actions ,our behaviours, all these reveal to us our desires. To get in tune with what lies deep within us , is something very difficult, almost impossible ,but we can just try to sieve it out, we can only pray and keep trying. But it is in discovering ourselves, I realise, that we discover God and what he desires of us.

For me , going through the reflections and execises in the book really helped me. Also the daily examen is a good start to being more aware of ourselves. I realized that within me , there is a desire to be simple and contented. Which I thought it was a ‘normal’ desire anyone would have. But this desire grew in me and drew me to ‘dispossession’ and a letting go of material possessions. This desire also led me work against the desire to appear ‘powerful or rich’ .. if you get what I mean. The growth of this desire made me discover that it is actually God’s desire for me. So for this I am grateful. And I am still discovering .. .cos this desire could possibly lead me to other deeper desires within me and what God has for me.

Where you are (however unknown)
Is the place of blessing

How you are (however broken)
Is the place of grace

WHO you are, In your becoming
In your place in the Kingdom.

Monday, July 04, 2005

"See I Make all Things New.."

Today (4th July), marks the one year anniversary of the end of my ICPE School of Mission in NZ..

I remember about two years ago, Rosita gave a prophecy during the CG which gave me alot of encouragement and hope. I kept it in my mobile for a long long time, holding on to the hope that God placed in my heart. Hope that He would certainly make all things new in my life. And He certainly did.. and continues to do so.

This prophecy was very clearly 'fulfilled' during my time at the School of Mission in NZ..a new time! A new time of intimacy with God, a time of restoration, a time of being, a time discovering my deepest desires. It is funny how when we are caught in a certain situation, it is always difficult to visualise the 'grass on the other side' and because we are so comfortable where we are, we don't really want to risk jumping over the fence... But I guess God has his ways of inviting us to take this risk.

In retropect, I think there were many circumstances in my life which God clearly led me to take this 'leap' over the fence, for which I am now grateful. It is also clear to me that there are just too many 'circumstances' for it to be coincedences...so..
Realised that this 'leap' over the fence has also brought new challenges. Challenge to trust more, to let go n also to remain righteous..

In any case, am really grateful to God for the experience, the frienships made, the time shared with the community and most of all, the graces he showered upon me during the outreach and the affirmation of my gifts from him, gifts which meant for His ministry, thru the people He sent.



...... Entering Tunnel ... At the Rimutaka Bike Hike
As I entered the tunnel (my first actually on a bike,) I recall another remember prophecy specifically from me thru Sue - "The road is very long, and there will be light at the end of the tunnel".


...... In the Tunnel...
Can you see the light at the end of the tunnel? We can hope cos there will always be.

Outreach..... My most most favourite part of the School. We went on a 3-week Parish Mission & Outreach.. also.. my favourite Mime "In His Light" .. about power of God's Holy SPirit to transform us.





Us at Mt Taranaki-Highest Mt in North NZ.




"...For As long as I shall live, I will testify to love,
I'll be a witness in the silence, where words are not enough
Every breath I take, I'll give thanks to God above...
For as long as I shall live, I will testify to love..."

Friday, July 01, 2005

Matthew Got up and follow Him... Matt 9,9-13.

The first reading of yesterday and today's Mass were on Abraham. I remember at a personal retreat two years ago, I found God challenging me to be like Abraham, to give up a relationship very precious to me. Well, Abraham was one inspiration for me at that time. His willingness to sacrifice without questioning, was something that seemed so impossible for me. [Maybe it was easier for him because he could ‘see’ and ‘hear’ God, whereas for us, it is just blind faith.] In any case, I drew strength from the fact that God will not test you beyond what you could handle & He , being a jealous God, just wants you to proof to him that you can will choose him n respond when he ask you to.. So … I guess the point is just TRUST.

Today, I am grateful to God for the past two years. They were filled with many trials and falls, but also many unexpected surprises and wonderful graces. As I pray for a friend who is making a radical choice to follow Christ like Matthew , in today’s Gospel, I am stirred and awed by His desires for me…

Below is a reflection from Daily Gospel which I subscribe to. It is really good, the email will send you the daily readings and also a reflection on the Gospel by some saint or Pope.

“Matthew got up and followed him.” Matt 9:9


Our Lord told Saint Matthew: “Follow me.” This lovable saint is a model for everyone. He was first of all a great sinner, as the Gospel says, and later, he became one of the great ones among all God’s friends. For Our Lord spoke to him in the depths of his being, and then he left everything in order to follow the Master.

To follow God in truth – that is everything; and in order to do that, it is necessary to truly and completely leave all that is not God, whatever it might be. God is a lover of hearts. He is not interested in what is external; rather, he wants us to give him a living interior devotedness. That devotedness has in itself more truth than if I said prayers so as to fill the whole world, or if I sang so loud that my song rose up to the highest heaven, more truth than everything I might do externally in fasting, vigils and other practices

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

My Very First Blog!

This is my very first online journal.(yes I'm abit slow.) Thought I'd make an effort to be more reflective in my daily entries and to share all the God-given graces, short of having a nice webpage.

Today, Catholics celebrate the Solemnity of St Peter and Paul. Two great men & pillars of the Church. Men of great faith, Men who risked everything for God. I was awed at Mass today. Awed & grateful for the gift of Faith God has given to me. Something even I myself cannot fathom. To believe even when though there's doubt, to trust despite the fear, to hope even when there's trials...

"I have fight a good fight;
I have finished the race;
I have kept the faith."
2Tim 4:7