March Reflection : Drinking from the dry Well

As some of you may know I went through a 'dry spell' during my 2nd month here. It was a time of immense dryness during prayer and there were hardly any consolations. Even though I was consistent in my daily prayer, I felt that God was distant. The things and thoughts that used to 'console' me no longer did and I had alot of doubts. Had to face alot of my unworthiness and weaknesses. Also, through this , I realised that learning to surrender is a life-time process and we have to keep doing it.

But God is good , I think there has been a breakthrough for me at the beginning of this week.

One of the things that consoled me was the knowing that through this dryness, God was actually teaching me to let go and to surrender. To learn to seek him and not the consolations. To put aside all my old ways of doing things, old way of praying , thinking etc. Allowing myself to be reconstructed , purified and refined, so that I only seek God. I felt that God was showing me that everything, including consolation is gift from him, not something that we can 'turn on' when we want to. This was hard for me, because, this meant that I had to take another new step to trust and be surprised by God, because now I cannot even see the things that used to 'console' me. Anyway, recently, I picked up Fr Tom Green's Drinking from the dry well , which I had not finish reading. Reflecting on the book gave me alot of encouragement and affirmed me that God was indeed taking me to a new level of surrender and prayer. To learn to seek the God of Consolations, not the Consolations of God. Thankfully also, even though there is alot of dryness during prayer, my general 'feeling' here is a sense of peace. So, for this I am grateful. :) It is still difficult for me but I am begginning to enjoy it - the challenge of contemplation and interior prayer/awarness. Fr Thomas Green, a reknowned Jesuit also came to give us a seminar last week. Meeting him was an encouraging moment for me.

One of the things that I have had to also learn over the past two months is surrendering and accepting my own weakness and inferiorities. It’s funny how in community, your weaknesses become much more apparent to you. I had to learn to accept my mixed motivations for doing things as part of me and that God can work through them. I also had to ‘put aside’ my old way of doing things, my previously known ‘accomplishments’ / ‘known and used giftings’ and to just ‘be’. I realized that the natural tendency for me, when I am faced with a ‘struggle’, is to run away and not face it. I used run away by either ‘doing something’ or ‘hide’ behind the company of friends, in my comfort zone. However, now is the time to allow God to take me deeper in prayer and discovery of who he is. To be ‘led’ by him and not to want ‘control.