The Deepest Desires.

Making decisions? What are my desires? These were questions that were on my mind the past two days. I am currently reading a book – Landmarks, an Ignatian Journey by Margaret Silf about Ignatian Discernment in a very illustrative way. Good book for those seeking more in life and those desiring to seek God’s Will in their lives.

Chapter 8 talks about God’s will and our desires. Apparently, whilst all of us have desires, there are two different response to our desires – taking or giving. The difference is what Ignatius meant by ‘ordered’ and ‘disordered’ desires. Ordered desires expand us without diminishing the other. These desires draw us into a creative relationship with what lies beyond ourselves without tempting us to try to possess it and leads to transformation. For instance “I long for the source of all light and joy, I need inner nourishment, I want to give them space to share themselves, I want to learn to trust and be trusted…” Disordered desires behave in the opposite way. They tempt us to suck things into ourselves, and the result in the diminishment of the desired object. (ie , desiring of a person/relationship). There is something I desire, so I apply my energies to possessing the desired object. Eg. a beloved person, an object. We take steps to ‘draw’ the desired objects to ourselves. For instance… “I try to exercise power over others, I use other people to gratify my desires, I put others down to make myself feel stronger…”.

One thing worth noticing is that whatever desires we have, it is always our choice to respond to the desires. Sometimes the desires rule us and the strongest desires ‘win’. The fact is that we choose and we have the freedom and the responsibility of the choices we make. (eg : I want to belong to the Church, but I feel obliged to object to some of the ways it does things ; or I want to speak up about the injustice at work, but I fear having negative impressions of me..)

So what’s the relevance with God’s will? Well..
-among all our multitude of desires & responses there are patterns evolving. It is possible then, to identify which are the desires that run deep, which are those that forms our choices and transforming me. -In the struggle of my desires, I am choosing, minute by minute, that particular desire that is strongest in me. Every time I choose in favour of my deeper desire, I reinforce it. It becomes dominant, until it meets an even stronger desire in me.
-Fundamentally, it follows that my deepest desire is centred on becoming the person God created me to me (whatever this means to you). However, there will be movements and choices in me that are going in the opposite direction. What I choose in times of desolation , will not be in line with my deepest desires , and there will be ‘unrest’.
- When my ‘real’ state is one of consolation and God-directedness, my deepest desire (to become the person God created me to be) is in complete harmony with ‘God’s will’ for me. God’s will then does not become something remote and unknowable (that I’ll be punished for not carrying out), but something as close to me as the deepest desire of my own heart, and something that he is only waiting and longing to reveal to me in every moment of my life and in every breath of my prayer.

In the centre of myself, where I am utterly vulnerable,
Therein lies my deepest desire, and my deepest desire is unarmed.

It sounds quite ‘cheem’, cos we’re using our heads. It is really just words describing some of the movements of our hearts and our responses which we don’t always pay attention to. But it worth observing and taking to pray. Our responses and reactions, our emotions ,our actions ,our behaviours, all these reveal to us our desires. To get in tune with what lies deep within us , is something very difficult, almost impossible ,but we can just try to sieve it out, we can only pray and keep trying. But it is in discovering ourselves, I realise, that we discover God and what he desires of us.

For me , going through the reflections and execises in the book really helped me. Also the daily examen is a good start to being more aware of ourselves. I realized that within me , there is a desire to be simple and contented. Which I thought it was a ‘normal’ desire anyone would have. But this desire grew in me and drew me to ‘dispossession’ and a letting go of material possessions. This desire also led me work against the desire to appear ‘powerful or rich’ .. if you get what I mean. The growth of this desire made me discover that it is actually God’s desire for me. So for this I am grateful. And I am still discovering .. .cos this desire could possibly lead me to other deeper desires within me and what God has for me.

Where you are (however unknown)
Is the place of blessing

How you are (however broken)
Is the place of grace

WHO you are, In your becoming
In your place in the Kingdom.

"See I Make all Things New.."

Today (4th July), marks the one year anniversary of the end of my ICPE School of Mission in NZ..

I remember about two years ago, Rosita gave a prophecy during the CG which gave me alot of encouragement and hope. I kept it in my mobile for a long long time, holding on to the hope that God placed in my heart. Hope that He would certainly make all things new in my life. And He certainly did.. and continues to do so.

This prophecy was very clearly 'fulfilled' during my time at the School of Mission in NZ..a new time! A new time of intimacy with God, a time of restoration, a time of being, a time discovering my deepest desires. It is funny how when we are caught in a certain situation, it is always difficult to visualise the 'grass on the other side' and because we are so comfortable where we are, we don't really want to risk jumping over the fence... But I guess God has his ways of inviting us to take this risk.

In retropect, I think there were many circumstances in my life which God clearly led me to take this 'leap' over the fence, for which I am now grateful. It is also clear to me that there are just too many 'circumstances' for it to be coincedences...so..
Realised that this 'leap' over the fence has also brought new challenges. Challenge to trust more, to let go n also to remain righteous..

In any case, am really grateful to God for the experience, the frienships made, the time shared with the community and most of all, the graces he showered upon me during the outreach and the affirmation of my gifts from him, gifts which meant for His ministry, thru the people He sent.



...... Entering Tunnel ... At the Rimutaka Bike Hike
As I entered the tunnel (my first actually on a bike,) I recall another remember prophecy specifically from me thru Sue - "The road is very long, and there will be light at the end of the tunnel".


...... In the Tunnel...
Can you see the light at the end of the tunnel? We can hope cos there will always be.

Outreach..... My most most favourite part of the School. We went on a 3-week Parish Mission & Outreach.. also.. my favourite Mime "In His Light" .. about power of God's Holy SPirit to transform us.





Us at Mt Taranaki-Highest Mt in North NZ.




"...For As long as I shall live, I will testify to love,
I'll be a witness in the silence, where words are not enough
Every breath I take, I'll give thanks to God above...
For as long as I shall live, I will testify to love..."

Matthew Got up and follow Him... Matt 9,9-13.

The first reading of yesterday and today's Mass were on Abraham. I remember at a personal retreat two years ago, I found God challenging me to be like Abraham, to give up a relationship very precious to me. Well, Abraham was one inspiration for me at that time. His willingness to sacrifice without questioning, was something that seemed so impossible for me. [Maybe it was easier for him because he could ‘see’ and ‘hear’ God, whereas for us, it is just blind faith.] In any case, I drew strength from the fact that God will not test you beyond what you could handle & He , being a jealous God, just wants you to proof to him that you can will choose him n respond when he ask you to.. So … I guess the point is just TRUST.

Today, I am grateful to God for the past two years. They were filled with many trials and falls, but also many unexpected surprises and wonderful graces. As I pray for a friend who is making a radical choice to follow Christ like Matthew , in today’s Gospel, I am stirred and awed by His desires for me…

Below is a reflection from Daily Gospel which I subscribe to. It is really good, the email will send you the daily readings and also a reflection on the Gospel by some saint or Pope.

“Matthew got up and followed him.” Matt 9:9

Our Lord told Saint Matthew: “Follow me.” This lovable saint is a model for everyone. He was first of all a great sinner, as the Gospel says, and later, he became one of the great ones among all God’s friends. For Our Lord spoke to him in the depths of his being, and then he left everything in order to follow the Master.

To follow God in truth – that is everything; and in order to do that, it is necessary to truly and completely leave all that is not God, whatever it might be. God is a lover of hearts. He is not interested in what is external; rather, he wants us to give him a living interior devotedness. That devotedness has in itself more truth than if I said prayers so as to fill the whole world, or if I sang so loud that my song rose up to the highest heaven, more truth than everything I might do externally in fasting, vigils and other practices